Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
my poor anus
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
