I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
