i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
