Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
