i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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