If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
