Don't make out with my wife yet
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
