I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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