Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
