to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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