just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
