Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
