my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
