Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you had me at cake vodka
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
