Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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