Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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