The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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