I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
