i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
