Please, let me fuck your mom
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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