I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
They took my balls.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
