sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
