It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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