why didn't you poke me back
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
