She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
