Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
