Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
