I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
