i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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