On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
