I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
