dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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