can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
50% drunk capacity currently
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
