Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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