She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
