please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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