I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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