I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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