And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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