So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other