K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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