finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
