My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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