Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
