so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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