I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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