So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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