I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
