The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
