I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
