Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
