I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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