Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
