I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
