good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
