Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
