I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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