I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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